It's so fluffy, I'm going to DIE!

I'm really feeling the birthday love. Many, many thanks!

Last night my sister, Abbey, came over and we did some serious baking - we did our best to recreate this beaut from my latest favorite food blog, Always With Butter.

And this frosting  - well, it's so FLUFFY! Who would have thought to put marshmallow creme in frosting? Well, it's genius and I'm guessing next to idiot proof. Frosting always makes me nervous, so I'm going to remember this one. Did I mention it's fluffiness?

Despicable Me, also genius. Don't argue with me, it's my birthday.

small and simple things

It doesn't take much. In fact it's rather amazing how something so small, so inconsequential, can unintentionally turn my day around. No sooner had I written that last post than I started feeling better. Life is good, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the daffodils are blooming.

And I hope hope hope that I can get off work early tonight so that I can go home and get to work on my birthday cake.

birthday blues

My birthday is a few days away, queue the crazy.

Crap, I thought this year was going to be different. I thought that this would be the year that I allowed myself to enjoy my birthday detached from unrealistic expectations, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and anxiety about whether anyone could ever love me. I may have eaten half a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy for dinner last night. Yep, I'm fighting the crazy here, let the plans to dissuade the birthday blues commence.

Agenda may include a pedicure and certainly a manicure; baking a birthday cake with my lil sister (who could be grumpy with a birthday cake like this?); and my favorite veggie burger with rosemary fries. I'm feeling better already.

thirty-something

My birthday is coming up and for first time in YEARS I'm not anxious. I'm not mourning my spinsterhood, clinging to the dregs of my youth. I'm not even that bothered by that same biological clock that rang so loudly in my years as I approached the dreaded 30.

While in my twenties I had a couple of friends, a decade older than I, that assured me that life got better after 30. They knew something that I didn't, because I couldn't. You see when you are miserable in your twenties, you think that it's all about you and your failings and flaws, but really it's just an awful decade that we're all forced to live through. A decade filled with unrealistic expectations, anxiety and naivety. They saw my pain and knew that I would overcome it, that I would evolve and learn to embrace my life. I felt my pain and saw only uncertainty and potential for unending misery.

The build up to 30 was the WORST! I dreaded that day for years. Why? Because, I'm a masochist, but really I was scared about what it meant and ashamed by the things that I hadn't accomplished. And though I bribed myself with a lovely trip to Hawaii, I couldn't shake the gloom of that day that came and went.

31 was better. Though it fraught with it's own challenges, I felt better prepared to face them. I had stopped doing what I though I should, and started following my heart. While still finding my footing in a new town and a new phase, I was finding unexpected satisfaction in the process.

And now, as I approach 32, I couldn't be happier. It's funny really. Because I have none of the things that I envisioned for myself. I have plenty of reasons to be miserable, except I'm not. As it turns out, all of those things that I thought that I needed to make me happy, may in fact lead to happiness and I may never know for sure, but I've learned that there are many ways to be happy.

wants and dreams

I recently had a birthday, a big one.  No, not 30, 31.  Which is probably only really a big one for those of us who are Mormon and still single.  For this is the age at which we loose out classification as a "young single adults" and become just "single adults".  We are encouraged to leave our young friends and meet with an older crowd.  

The other day, a friend asked me how I was doing with this change and I could honestly say that I wasn't all that phased by it because I went through my crisis of lost youth a year ago.  It's ridiculously cliche, but turning 30 terrified me.  I felt like a failure, an embarrassment, undesirable and hopeless.  Yes, I was in a really dark place (and I'm not just talking about Alaska).  

And then one day as I was caught up in the depths of despair, I started thinking about the past decade of my life.  I got this little spiritual nudge, and I saw all of the things that I'd done: the places I'd visited, the things I'd learned, the degrees that I'd earned.  I suddenly became humbled by own accomplishments and grateful for the opportunities that I had been given.  In one decade, I had exceeded any expectation that I might have had for myself as a teenager.  When I looked at my life objectively, it didn't look like a pathetic, failed existence but a grand adventure.  And I finally saw that potential that had been wasting away inside of me. 

For the majority of my teens and twenties I had two goals for myself: get married and have a family.  I had lots of other dreams but I allowed my primary goals to eclipse these dreams because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  And, I spent 12 years of my life failing miserably.  I didn't sit idly by.  I kept busy with school and a mission and working and more school.  And though I worked hard, my heart wasn't in it.  I knew what I wanted and I knew that I didn't have it.  And I had no idea how to go about getting what I wanted - still don't obviously.  And in spite of all this confusion and turmoil, I did some really awesome things and accomplished some incredibly grueling tasks.  

I think that the real mistake of my twenties, was limiting myself to one set of goals.  And because I couldn't get what I wanted, I sort of wandered around aimlessly hoping that I'd find what I needed along the way.  

For my thirties I am determined not to make the same mistake.  For my thirties, I'm setting lots of goals.  I'm going after my dreams.  When I had my epiphany last year, I made a list of 30 things to do in my thirties.  Sadly, I lost the list but I remember a lot of the things on it and have already accomplished a few of them (e.g. visit Machu Pichu, learn to spin, start a business, plant a garden, get a cat, learn to sail, see a whale, drive across the country and sing karaoke).  And amongst the silly and the ambitious are my primary goals of getting married and starting a family.  Maybe I'll accomplish all 30 and maybe I won't, but I'm going for it.  

final day on the island

On our fourth and final day on the island we got up early, packed our bags and checked out of the not so swanky Royal Grove Hotel.  We grabbed some breakfast at a convenience store on our way to our car.  Our flights didn't leave until late that night so we had a good part of a day to explore the north shore.  We drove north and stopped at the Dole plantation where we ate giant pineapple confections and learned some interesting facts about pineapples.

When we had finished our cones we continued on our way to the north shore.  We stopped in Haleiwa and did a bit of shopping and (upon multiple recommendations) checked out Matsumoto's shaved ice.  As we were still digesting our Dole Whips, we decided that we would come back later.  We continued north to Shark's Cove (don't worry Abbey, we saw no sharks and it was really to shallow for sharks of any threatening size).

I'd read that this was an excellent snorkeling spot but we ended up just wading through the tide pools.  The water was so clear that we had a pretty good view of the fish while staying dry from the waist up.  You wouldn't know it from the picture but it was a rather rainy day - we were glad that it cleared up for a bit so while we were in the water.  

After we'd had our fill at Shark's Cove we went back to Haleiwa and had lunch at a fabulous little place called Grass Skirt (another fabulous recommendation).  I had a hebi sandwich - the hebi (which I learned from the owner is similar to mahi-mahi) was caught fresh that morning and it tasted absolutely delish.


Before we headed to the airport we checked out all the shops (didn't buy anything but I generally like the looking better than the buying).  And we went back to Matsumoto's for their famous shaved ice.  I think that I would have liked it a bit better if it had been a hot day, but it was pretty good.

It was a really good trip. I was so glad that my mom could meet me over there.  She is so good to me and we had a really good time exploring Oahu together.  I should also mention that she was a really good sport to do all the driving and was really patient with my poor navigational skills. 

I'm pretty sure this was the best birthday present that I could have given myself this year and for that I should thank myself - Thanks! I really needed that.