pull yourself together

So there has been a lot of talk about this new show called "girls" and because I currently have HBO (thanks roomies) I watched it on demand last night. And, well, it's interesting and it had it's funny moments. But seriously, girls, pull yourselves together.  

If I were to have a catch phrase, I think that would be it, "pull yourself together". I probably say it to myself a dozen times a day and I credit this phrase for most every slightly productive thing I manage to see through. When I want to ignore my alarm and sleep the day away, when I get annoyed at the Washington Metro System for making me wait, when I watch cupcake wars and have no cake in the house to satisfy my cravings, I have to stop and pulling myself together. So, I get it life is tough, the economy is lousy and life hasn't turned out like you dreamed, but come on, pull yourself together! And by that I mean, when you've had a bad day don't turn to booty calls and drugs - it's a pretty low bar I'm trying to set here but for some reason I feel the need to spell it out.

Yet, the show has it's moments that feel really honest and funny (I loved it when the friend describes her boyfriend's touch to a creepy uncle - because though I haven't a creepy uncle, I've had such a boyfriend). I sort of dig the flawed characters and rawness of it all. And it should come as no surprise that despite it's raunchiness, I'll probably keep watching it, even if the only joy I get is by muttering, at at times hollering at my tiny screen, "oh, come. on. PULL yourself together!"

taking care

On Sunday, I sat down in Sacrament meeting and sighed. It had been a busy weekend following a busy week and my mind was full of all the things that I still needed to do. Silly things really, I worried about the cupcakes in the back of my car, "would they get too hot?" "what if the frosting starts to melt?" "what if no one signs up for the potluck next week?" "what if I'm forgetting something?" And then I just cleared it all out of my head - I surrendered to the moment, and checked in with my body. I was beat. My insomnia and to-do lists had caught up with me and I was exhausted.

I said a little prayer right there. I asked God to help be better about taking care of myself. I asked Him to help me balance my obligations with my needs; to help me to relish the things that bring me joy and avoid the things that bring me down. Sometimes I forget that it's up to me to take care of myself. No one else is going to do it.

So when I finally got home from all my meetings, I fed myself and tucked myself into bed.

I bucked my night-owly ways and was asleep before mid-night.

birthday blues

My birthday is a few days away, queue the crazy.

Crap, I thought this year was going to be different. I thought that this would be the year that I allowed myself to enjoy my birthday detached from unrealistic expectations, overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and anxiety about whether anyone could ever love me. I may have eaten half a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Therapy for dinner last night. Yep, I'm fighting the crazy here, let the plans to dissuade the birthday blues commence.

Agenda may include a pedicure and certainly a manicure; baking a birthday cake with my lil sister (who could be grumpy with a birthday cake like this?); and my favorite veggie burger with rosemary fries. I'm feeling better already.

adventures in feminism

This past weekend was our stake conference - which means there was a special meeting at 10am and we were done by noon, pretty near perfect time and length for church meetings, if you ask me. Our current schedule is 3-6 and I do my darndest not to complain about but it was nice to have a change.

Unfortunately the content of the meeting left me feeling rather agitated and quite depressed. And despite Elder Scott's exhortation that I embody respect my womanhood (which, best I can tell, means: dressing modestly; acting like a lady and requiring others treat me as such; and acting as support staff to all my familial relations), I went home, donned some ill-fitting jeans, sweatshirt and sneakers and went outside to work in my garden.

Which reminded me of this, I think she gets it.

 

 Ann-Margret singing "How Lovely to be a Woman" in Bye Bye Birdie.  

It was a beautiful day to dig in the dirt and plant some seeds - arugula and peas, for now. It may be too soon, time will tell, but I can always replant in a couple weeks. It felt good lug around those big bags of mulch, compost and vermiculite, to get some dirt under my nails and to turn on the hose again. I do love the experimentation, the intersection of biology and creation. There is something truly fascinating and invigorating about organizing life within 9 square feet of soil.

Does this qualify as nurturing? What if I put some flowers in the mix?

drama-rama

Over Christmas I went with my mom to visit a family friend who lives in a assisted living center. And while we chatted, this dear friend regaled us with tales of carolers going rouge, venturing out of the common areas, and harassing residents with their unwelcome merriment. And while I stuggled to hold in my laughter, I thought to myself, "I guess we all have drama in our lives."

I count myself lucky to have a life with very little drama and not so much stress - aside from the occasional worry over money or maybe when the neighbor's workmen carelessly drive into my vegetable garden (still a little steamed about that one). And yet today felt oh so dramatic. This morning I got an email requesting my help on a project and I gladly put away my online furniture shopping and offered my assistance. But no sooner had I done so than I learned that I had no idea what I was doing. And after scratching my head, exhorting assistance from my coworkers, imbibing the contents of a chilled can of diet coke, and consulting with IT, I finally realized that I didn't have access to the files that I needed to complete this "15 minute project". Oh dear, I imagine the only thing that could have made it worse were if a bunch of strangers had chosen that moment to park themselves outside my cube and sing the little drummer boy at me. (Go ahead and laugh at my drama, I certainly did as I refuse to cry over this stupid job.)

Alas, we got it all straightened out in the end and 3 hours later (remember this was a "15 minute project"), I had received access to the necessary files and somebody else had completed the project in spite of my attempts to help. And so I chalk this one up to experience, thankful that someone else was able to cover for me and that I'm may be better prepared to help next time.

You see, I posit that drama is good for the soul. Though unpleasant, it's generally only in times of crisis that I ever accomplish anything and as illustrated by this story, even then there's no guarantees. But as an inevitable part of life, I strive to learn from it and learn through these chunks of drama in my life. But now that the moment has passed, I wonder if there is anymore diet coke in the fridge.

if the fates allow

In honor of this lovely season, I share with you one of my favorite Christmas songs from one of my favorite movies. But I'll warn you, it's a tear jerker.

queue Judy

The holiday season isn't always joyful for everyone all the time. And so many of my favorite Christmas songs are bitter-sweet.

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas!

i feel wonderful

I've got a lot on my mind lately and I don't really know what to think of any of it. At times I catch myself mumbling "i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know" like a mantra of the disturbingly uninspiring sort. Truth is, there are a lot of things that I just don't understand, a lot of unknowns and uncertainties that boggle my simple little mind.

To counter act it, sometimes I'll borrow a mantra from Bob Wiley, who went on to become a psychotherapist and author Death Therapy.

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel GOOD. I feel GREAT. I feel WONDERFUL! 

And even though it isn't always true, thinking of this makes me laugh and then I'm half way there.

baby stepping to Christmas

While talking on the phone with my Mom today, I realized that I have exactly a month before I go home for Chirstmas. A month feels like a really long time to wait - here's hoping that the time flies.  

I watched one of my favorite movies this weekend, What About Bob? - an absolute classic (if you haven't seen it, just watch it, it WILL change your life).  So, I'm taking Dr. Leo Marvin's advice and baby stepping. I'm not going to think about the long dark month that looms ahead, I'm going to take it one day at a time, one hour at at time if needs be. And if that doesn't work, there's always death therapy - which was ultimately more effective for Bob.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was listening to the radio (npr of coarse) and was more than a little shocked when I heard that it was -22 degrees outside.  My bedroom was so toasty it was hard to believe that there was a 90 degree temperature difference across my threshold.  So this is winter in Alaska - yikes! I do not like it one bit. 

Time to look to the list....................

2. My boss

I first met the Judge when he called me back in October of last year.  I had sent my application to the Alaska Courts a week before and was a little surprised to get his call. It was past 8pm and I was watching America's Next Top Model in my PJ's when my phone rang. I ran out onto our splintery porch (only place we could get good cell reception) to answer the call.  He introduced himself and said that he noticed that I had served a mission in Finland and that he had served in Denmark. After asking me a few questions about why I wanted to go to Alaska, he offered me a job - right then and there barefoot on a splintery porch in New Hampshire. I shrieked as I hung up the phone - shocked, amazed and terrified. Needless to say I accepted the position. As scared as I was, it just felt right - also the job market was such that I didn't dare turn down a perfectly good offer for fear of not receiving another. 

A few months later I got an email from the Judge. He told me that he had just been called as the branch president of the singles branch. So not only is he my boss, he is also my branch president.     

skipping ahead

In response to Jay's comment on my last post, I am skipping ahead a bit to number 16 on the list.

16. The Northern Lights 

These would have likely scored a higher place on the list but I had not seen them yet when I made the list. And for that reason, I couldn't list them until last week. 

Around 1:30am last Friday morning, my roommate came into my room and woke me up. She said that I had to come outside and see the northern lights. I put on my slippers and a sweatshirt and went out the driveway. I looked up and the sky looked like this ->

I think that the northern lights may be one of the coolest things about Alaska - they surpass likability and are down right lovable. There you have it, something I LOVE about Alaska.

it's begining to look a lot like Christmas

The snow came yesterday. While we had a few flurries back in September, but nothing substantial. All October, I have been hearing about how odd it was that he didn't have snow yet. Well it is here now and it's here to stay.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. Sure I have my michelin man coat to keep me warm and I invested into some burly snow tires but I am not ready to say good by to the sun and greet the bitter cold of the loooooooonnngg winter that lies ahead.

Time to pull out the list.  A few weeks ago, I was hate hate hating Alaska, I decided to be proactive and make a list. A list of things that I like about Alaska.  I've noticed that people really do love it here and while I have yet to fall in love with Fairbanks, Ak, there are surely things to like about it.  Now, when I find myself hating my life here in Alaska, I pull out the list and remind myself that there are plenty of things to like about this place - even if I don't love it, I can like it.

1.  I have a job here.  It feels pretty good to be employed and I feel very fortunate and blessed to have this job.

[more from my list to come.................]

blehhh

The days are getting shorter and coupled with grey dreary clouds. It's depressing. I've come to resent my lovely windows because the view is so bleak. Occasionally there is a break in the clouds and the sun light spills through. Everything is so beautiful in the sunlight but these moments are fleating and rarely occur on my lunch hour or after 4:30. 

They say that this is the darkest part of the year. As soon as the snow sticks it will reflect the light. It still sounds bleak. 


Did I mention that it's cold.

the days are getting shorter

Over the past month since I arrived in Fairbanks I have witness the days getting shorter and shorter.  The days were still long when I got here and it stayed light untill after 9 and the sun was up before I was. However, as the weeks have gone by it has been darker and darker each morning when I get up. Today is the equinox - which means that we here in Fairbanks, like everyone else on the planet had 12 hours of sunlight. It's all down here from here. I took a walk at lunch time to soak up some much needed sun because its going fast. 

It hasn't gotten to cold yet and I don't think that we've had a frost yet. The flowers are still blooming and strangely enough, the lilacs are still blooming. Its seems that the summers here are so condensed that the plants get kinda confused.