stay tuned

I've got all these ideas and thoughts swirling around in my brain and I haven't managed pin any of them down yet. But rest assured, I've got so many things to talk about that when I finally figure out how to say them, they may prove interesting. How's that for non-committal. For now, I leave you with this video which sort of blew my mind and got me all sorts of excited for my favorite summertime event, So You Think You Can Dance - which is NOT like the Bachelor. Not all reality TV is smut. They're called standards, people. 

Iron and Wine, "Boy with a Coin" with Flamenco Dancers.

in the middle of the night

Last night I couldn't sleep. It's nothing new, I'm find that I just don't need as much sleep as I used to. But last night as I lay awake, I felt gripped with anxiety and I wasn't sure why. Was it the emails that I hadn't gotten around to replying to? Was is the ward potluck I've been charged with organizing? Was it the tv show I'd just watched? Was there something I had forgotten, something that my subconscious was trying to resolve?

I still don't know. So after dismissing my anxiety, I turned to my old stand by. My trusted treatment for insomnia, episodic television. There is a certain kind of tv show that never fails to put me soundly to sleep. It can't be too funny, too sentimental or too thought provoking. Short plot lines and new characters help. The trick is that you don't want to get to involved in the show but it must be interesting enough to take my mind off of whatever is keeping it awake at night. My go to show? Psych. It's silly, trivial (even though it's usually dealing with murder), the characters are likable enough but I don't really relate to them and all that just lulls me to sleep. And most importantly it's available online.

But this morning*, I learned that at that very moment when I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep, I could have been checking out the night sky for auroras**.

The sun ejected two huge solar flares Tuesday, and NASA says that we here on Earth may notice the effects of magnetic fields and ionized gases that it estimates will arrive around 1:25 a.m. ET Thursday. So, if you detect some electronic interference — say, your GPS doesn't work right — blame it on the sun. -NPR News Blog

Well, my laptop kept working like a champ but I'd like to think that maybe it was the solar flares keeping me up.

Cuz, I'm so connected to the universe and stuff.





* Hey NPR, how about putting news about predicted cosmic events in my news feed before they actually happen?

** The first time I ever saw the aurora was in Moab, Utah on a field trip while I was in college.

ignorance is bliss

I've been taking a sabbatical lately, a sabbatical from the news. It's been weeks since I visited the New York Times or watched any news shows. I've even gotten into the habit of turning my radio to regular music stations when NPR gets too newsy. And it's been nice.

Last night I was talking with a friend about my sabbatical and we started talking politics. It was politics that inspired the sabbatical and I don't know exactly where he stands, so this discussion wasn't about platforms, or scandals, it was about leadership. He asked if days of great leaders were over. I responded by asking if we have rewritten history and compare our modern leaders with legend instead of fact. I think that the answer lies somewhere in the middle. 

Somedays I feel like I might be the only person in this whole country who is satisfied with the president. And yes I did vote for him, and yes I didn't have incredibly high expectations of him to begin with. So, I'm satisfied. He has fulfilled my expectations. And I'm certain that he has faced the challenges at hand with at least as well as our alternative, John McCain. Not that I don't think that McCain could have done a good job, I only doubt that he would have done things much differently. (How's that for cynicism?) I am speaking mostly about the economy. A problem for which no one has presented any magic bullet. Because, while in campaigns it is easy to speak of simple solutions, in life there are no easy answers.

So I've heard rumors of terrible things happening all of the world. Protests and wars and failing economies and abuses of power. And I'm pretty sure that there will be plenty of news to catch up on when I get back to it. But for a little while, I am going to happily ignore it all, think deep thoughts and indulge in a good book or two.

this I used to believe

I while ago I read this blog post on The Mormon Child Bride and it sort of stuck with me and today I thought I'd add my demons and misconceptions to the list. 

1 - I used to believe that if I died in my current single state, the only way I'd make it into to heaven* was through an arranged polygamous marriage.

2 - I used to believe that my divinity was tied to my fertility.

3 - I used to believe a man could never love me unless I was both perfect and subservient to him.

4 - I used to believe that women were better than men - more spiritual and incapable of going to hell. And that men were less spiritual, somehow accountable for "the sins of their generation" and yet inherently smarter and better suited to leadership.

5 - I used to believe that if I was good enough and loving enough that I would be blessed with the perfect life that I wanted.

6 - I used to believe that capitalism was ordained of God.

7 - I used to believe that the Church welfare program was perfect and that all government welfare programs were inherently insidious and corrupt.


Like Nephi said, "I don't know the meaning of all things" (1 Nephi 11:17) but there are a few things that I know for sure and I build on those. Some of these have cultural bases and others doctrinal but to my knowledge are found nowhere in scripture and the result of misinterpretation and speculation. If the devil teaches us the philosophies of men mingled with scripture, I think that these qualify as such. And I document these fallacies here to remind myself of that these are ideas to be questioned, not relied on.

What lies have you carried around?


* I use the terms heaven and hell quite loosely here, as we Mormons have an incredibly nuanced of view of the afterlife that I make no claims of understanding fully.

baggage

My first year of law school nearly did me in. I came so near to calling it quits that if it hadn't been for my hefty financial investment, I couldn't have forced myself to stick it out through my second semester. But I learned an important lesson. I learned that I couldn't do it all on my own and that I was going to have to learn how to ask for help. And while there was little anyone could do to help me get through the mountains of reading assignments or perform better on my finals, the moral support of family and friends was incredibly fortifying.

I talked to one such friend (and mentor) before I went back to Vermont to start my second year. I told her how hard it was and how I wasn't any good at it. And she said something that's stuck with me ever since. She told me that people have done studies on the lasting psychological effects of law school.* That's right, there are lasting psychological effects. And after that, I started recognizing that there are a lot of aspects of the legal education that are unproductive and amount to little more than hazing. And though I believe that my particular law school was probably better than some, they still carried on their fair share of the tradition.

Despite my efforts to overcome, I carry around a lot of baggage from law school. Included in that baggage is an obsession with citing sources. This is something that was drilled into my head time and time again and has become deeply ingrained in my brain. In the legal world, citations are king. The more citations the stronger your argument, it doesn't matter how brilliant you are, or how revolutionary your argument is, it'll be stronger if you can show that someone else said it first. It's not uncommon to have multiple citations for a single sentence, and a dozen citations in paragraph. It can be rather awkward to read, but it is those sections that are riddled with citations that I'll skip ahead too.

I have found this obsession migrating into everything I see and hear. In everything from craft ideas to talks in church to arguments about politics, I want sources. If you're going to use facts or anecdotes to support your argument, I'm going to want sources. Opinions and new ideas are fine, but if you've come to a novel conclusion, I'll probably dismiss it if you don't back it up with your own analysis (tell me how you got there) or cite your source. And I think that's what irks me about Pinterest**, which I'm the first to admit is engrossing and inspirational. But it leaves me empty, because even though I can search down a source for many of the images I like there, detached from their source the images loose some of their meaning. I love beautiful things, inspiring quotes and new ideas but I need to have a framework to put them into and I need to know where they came from. 


*Which I ironically I have no source for. And it's really bugging me that I have nothing to link to here.
** See yesterday's rant. 

i feel wonderful

I've got a lot on my mind lately and I don't really know what to think of any of it. At times I catch myself mumbling "i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know" like a mantra of the disturbingly uninspiring sort. Truth is, there are a lot of things that I just don't understand, a lot of unknowns and uncertainties that boggle my simple little mind.

To counter act it, sometimes I'll borrow a mantra from Bob Wiley, who went on to become a psychotherapist and author Death Therapy.

I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel good. I feel great. I feel wonderful. I feel GOOD. I feel GREAT. I feel WONDERFUL! 

And even though it isn't always true, thinking of this makes me laugh and then I'm half way there.

out of small things

I used to hear people talk about how they couldn't watch the news because it made them depressed and I'd roll my eyes. And I'd think, are we watching the same stuff? Don't you want to know what's going on in the world?

But, you know what? I've kind of had it. with the news. the papers, the radio, the tv (all of which I get online these days).

It all just seems like a lot of arguing... the economy is continually in one sort of crisis or another... wars going on all over the place... we're poisoning the planet... people are dying. It all just seems so unwieldy, what's a girl to do?

And then I remember this:

"... I, the Lord, declare unto you, 

and my words are sure and shall not fail... 

but all things must come to pass in their time. 

Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, 

for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.

And out of small things proceedeth that which is great." 

- Docterine and Covenants 64: 31 - 33

The beauty of Christ's atonement is we aren't required to fix all of the world's problems. We are asked to do good. And when we do good, our meager contributions are made holy through the power of the atonement. There are so many opportunities to do good in this world that we need never let the heavy problems of the world weigh us down. Mine is to get to work and trust in the generosity of God, as well as the power of Christ's atonement to provide for our needs and make me better than I am.

Is there more?

Yesterday afternoon I sought out a lovely garden, and there I basked in the beauty of a perfect fall day. My senses were awakened by the life all around me - stirring something deep inside of me. I closed my eyes taking it all in and found myself asking,

"Is there more?"


A while back, Elder Scott gave a talk about receiving spiritual guidance. In his talk, he told of an instance in which he received revelation, recorded it, and then asked, "is there more?" And he received more, asked again and again received more. 

I have found myself returning to this idea, pondering it I find myself asking, "is there more?" It's an interesting question really. There is so much implication tied up in those three little words - such humility, trust, curiosity and gratitude. To ask for more requires the asker to acknowledge that which they have already received, to recognize what they have received and seek. Seek out more, not knowing what is to come, hoping there is more and trusting it will come.  

It is a question that I keep asking because...
because I am continually assured that the answer is always YES!

marriage talk

Yesterday was my ward's ward conference. And the stake president took the opportunity to remind us all of the blessings of marriage, that we as singles are incomplete. He did so gently, lovingly and tactfully but it's never an easy thing to hear. Do the wicked take the truth to be hard? Most certainly. But that's only part of it.

As someone who is single long past any time that I would have thought prudent or opportune, I am well aware of the void in my life. The desire is always with me. I could get lost in it's depth and breadth - exploring it's varied qualities, searching out the bounds. I am drawn to it, like a girl in a horror film drawn to a door way, unable to hear the music that warns of the danger that awaits her. I peer across the threshold into this space where unanswerable questions and missed opportunities loom. But don't allow myself to venture far into the deep for fear that I might loose my way and find myself trapped in the void.

I try to keep that door closed. But the door is flimsy, the latch unsound - it is prone to swinging wide with any jostle, nudge or strong wind.

A bit disheveled, I close the door again and go about my life.

preparing for general conference

In years past, I've embarked on intense training programs and set lofty goals of reviewing all the talks from the past conference on the week before the next. But this time, I just couldn't do it. It's not that I don't have the time, I have loads of time these days but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. In lieu of my traditional pre-conference read-a-thon, I've been thinking, taking inventory of my life and exploring my options. Because, this stage of my life is a gift - a gift I didn't ask for, a gift I didn't prepare for. But it's a gift, for which I am immensely grateful and intent on using. So here I sit, pondering this gift that I don't even quite understand and comes with great responsibility and unknown possibilities. 

So this weekend, while listening to conference, I'll be knitting* and pondering what I'm going to do with the rest of my life**.




* Some traditions are sacred, more about my new knitting project later.
 
** I was recently fortunate to attend a fireside-of-sorts with Elder Bednard. And he said, "It wasn't until I was called to be an apostle that I knew what I was going to do with the rest of my life." I paraphrase, but it was kind of refreshing to realize that its something we all have to do - deciding what to do with our lives and it isn't something that we do once but continually throughout our lives.

every now and then

I sat next to the boy, or should I say man, almost by accident - we make eye contact as I take the seat next to him. The chairs are close together and he nudges me, whispers something and my heart begins to swell. It's only small talk but In that moment his heart and mine are inexplicably connected. I can't focus on anything that is happening arround me - I am fixated on the man next to me. 

He leans forward and I am consumed by desire to run my fingers across his shoulders. I fight the urge staring at my hands folded in my lap. I don't know what's happened but in that moment I am his. He whispers something and I lean in closer, wishingwishingwishing I could just place my head upon his strong shoulder, to collapse into him and surrender the emotional will that holds me firmly together.

But I wait - propriety and fear ultimately preventing me from acting on my simple desires. After all, it's probably just in my head. I doubt that he felt anything at all. These all consuming emotions were likely only hormones - loathsome hormones - hormones that lead me to question my own sanity. 

There's nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the heart.

reflections on 9/11

It was my senior year at Utah State. I had just gotten out of the shower and turned on the radio as I was getting ready for class. Even then my radio was always set to NPR. I don't remember exactly what I heard - something about a terrorist attack on New York City but I didn't even know what the World Trade Center was at the time. I hurried and got dressed while engrossed in what I was hearing. In the living room I found my roommates already in front of the tv - we sat and watched in horror at the footage of collapsing buildings, missing planes and human suffering. I was late for my morning class but the professor didn't start on time. I remember that at the beginning of class he said something like, "I don't know if you have all seen the news today but there is currently a no fly zone over the United States". It was so strange to hear the events that I had seen on the news wrapped up into this simple statement.

I filled up my gas tank that night. It seemed like a good time to have a full tank of gas. And people were saying that gas prices might go up - as if that were the most important thing to worry at a time when gas prices were close to a dollar. But it was something to do. Something to do when there was nothing to do. It was all too much to take in.

This past week, I've found myself contemplating how the events of 9/11 have affected me. And I think that the most telling moment was a few weeks ago, when there was an earthquake in DC. What? you may say, there was an earthquake on the east coast? how haven't I heard about this? Yes, it was truly overblown in the media. But in that moment when the building around me was shaking, I wasn't thinking earthquake, I was thinking bomb/explosion/attack. My current office is located between the White House and the Capital and when the ground began to shake and the immediate confusion passed I got this deep pit in my stomach, my muscles clenched and I thought of 9/11. As the rumbling continued, I thought "I didn't hear anything, I would have heard something" something more than rumbling, I was searching my memory for a bang, a roar. It turned out to be nothing more than a minor earthquake but in that moment I was preparing myself to experience some of what I watched on 9/11.


This morning  I was on my way to church with just enough time to get there on time when my exit was blocked and before I knew it I was crossing the river into the District. I should have known better. My route goes right past the Pentagon. I spent the next hour fighting my way back to Virginia. I was an hour late to church but an hour well spent. My detour took me through the tidal basin. Past the Jefferson Monument. And while stuck in ridiculous traffic I listened to NPR's special coverage of the anniversary and listened to accounts of people at the pentagon that day. It was rather fitting.

something to blog about

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately as things have been slow here at work. (3 cheers for work!) And I've noticed that a lot of people blog about places they've been, things they've done and there are always pretty pictures to document. These are my least favorite things to write about. I don't know why, but I've never liked to write about places and events, though I've done it a time or two, for example here and here and here. I bore myself - I much prefer to write about my crazy ideas about things, how much I really want a kitten but not ready for the commitment and my latest fiber art creation. I will never be a scrapbooker. If I'm lucky I will finish my mission scrap book within the next decade. Is 15 years is too long to spend on a scrapbook? yeah, maybe you're right, scrap the scrapbook. Thank you to all the talented scrapbookers out there who manage to document history in beautiful and creative ways, yours is a gift I do not possess.

Last week I attended two legitimately blog-worthy events and I even took pictures at one of them, yet I really don't feel like writing about it.  Maybe later.

Lately I've been thinking about love again - okay, I'm always thinking about it. I don't understand why I find it so confusing. This Radiolab podcast answered some of my questions and put my mind at ease a bit. Gosh, I'm a nerd.

the end of a magical era

Tonight, with the release of The Deathly Hallows II, marks the end of an era of sorts. The internet seems to be a buzz with Harry Potter. There are recommendations for post-Potter reads, college courses analyzing Harry Potter and Christian theology and essays outlining the effect of the Potter series as a cultural touchstone to the millennial generation.  

I don't count myself ammong the millenial crowd. I didn't grow up with Harry, Ron and Hermoine. I didn't discover the books 'til college. But they have played a distinct role in the past decade of my life. Prowling for my sister's copy the newest copy, ever ready to swoop in and start reading the moment she put it down. Watching my sister and mother practice the lost of art of reading from different pages of the same book. Begging a less active member to read portions of a newly released book 5 while a missionary in Finland. And later, fresh home from my mission, I curled up with that same book and devoured it.  

I remember the excitement associated with each new book. And I remember how I paced myself though the seventh, savoring the words, knowing it was the last. Now, with the release of the final movie, I revisit that same reluctance to see it end. I know that this final movie will be great - the first half was amazing and I was so excited for part 2. Yet, now that it's here, I don't know if I'm ready for it. Part of me wants to save it for later. I think I'll hold off for a few days and see it with my sisters when I go to Utah next week - it seems only fitting for book that "changed my life".

A little "the Book of Mormon" - Harry Potter mash-up for  your viewing pleasure. 

tone

I just got into a surprisingly ugly debate with a complete stranger on Facebook.  It ended with name calling and while I'm not taking it personally, I am both saddened and amused by the way this man misconstrued what I thought were relevant, thoughtful and honest comments about a subject that I am intimately connected - single members of the LDS church, specifically single women.  

http://xkcd.com/386/

I don't know why I get caught up in these things - I know that I should just let it go, delete my comments and move on but something deep inside me just won't let it go.  

If there is anything I learned from this, it is that I need to watch my tone.  This man I've never met twisted everything I said, insulted me and called me bitchy.  While he's an argumentative idiot who doesn't know what he's talking about and I reserve the right to be bitchy when the situation calls for it, bitchy was not my intended tone of my comments.  I actually went to great lengths to keep my comments positive and hopeful while pointing out some issues I have observed.  I may have failed on that front and it made me think about this blog.  I try to be honest here, but I don't want it to be a place of bitterness.  I try to balance my frustration with hope.  And if I sometimes read a little bitchy, well, we can't all be sugar and spice all the time.

 

What does Jesus mean to you?

My bishop posed this question yesterday at sacrament meeting.  And then he called people from the congregation to briefly share their thoughts at the pulpit. I wondered what I would say - such a weighty question.  Where to begin?  How to encapsulate my feelings about my Savior in a few short minutes?  Thankfully, I wasn't called on and I get to keep working on my answer.

A few Easters ago, I wrote my thoughts on Christ in my journal.  It has been on my mind lately and I'm going to share it.  (As a hand written journal entry, it's kind of raw and unpolished - tempted to edit it but going to try not to change it too much.)     

8 April 2007:  Christ's atonement - infinite and eternal - makes holy the penitent sinner.  Jesus, in his perfect love and divinity, overcame mortality so that his imperfect brothers and sisters may through his perfection overcome this world.  

I have been blessed by the power of the atonement and experienced Christ's perfect love.  When my heart was broken and an aching darkness filled my chest - I pressed onward - striving to be obedient but unsure of where the strength to endure would come.   Unexpectedly, in the midst of my depression, the testimony of a friend ignited something inside of me.  The spirit filled me and I felt the dank darkness that had taken up residence in my soul being consumed by light and love.  Christ's love filled my soul, and by the power of the atonement my heart was healed - I found courage to go and do.  

My Savior and Redeemer suffered great agony of soul for me, that I may be delivered from the shackles of mortality - that I may be made whole and return to my beloved Father.  Through the atonement of Christ, I may with surety hope for a better world - even a place at the right hand of God.  This hope is an anchor to my soul that will enable me to endure the storms of mortality.  God be thanked for the matchless gift of his son, Jesus Christ, who is the author and finisher of my faith.  In meekness and humility, he overcame the world and redeemed the souls of his brothers and sisters.  And through him we may all become holy.

wants and dreams

I recently had a birthday, a big one.  No, not 30, 31.  Which is probably only really a big one for those of us who are Mormon and still single.  For this is the age at which we loose out classification as a "young single adults" and become just "single adults".  We are encouraged to leave our young friends and meet with an older crowd.  

The other day, a friend asked me how I was doing with this change and I could honestly say that I wasn't all that phased by it because I went through my crisis of lost youth a year ago.  It's ridiculously cliche, but turning 30 terrified me.  I felt like a failure, an embarrassment, undesirable and hopeless.  Yes, I was in a really dark place (and I'm not just talking about Alaska).  

And then one day as I was caught up in the depths of despair, I started thinking about the past decade of my life.  I got this little spiritual nudge, and I saw all of the things that I'd done: the places I'd visited, the things I'd learned, the degrees that I'd earned.  I suddenly became humbled by own accomplishments and grateful for the opportunities that I had been given.  In one decade, I had exceeded any expectation that I might have had for myself as a teenager.  When I looked at my life objectively, it didn't look like a pathetic, failed existence but a grand adventure.  And I finally saw that potential that had been wasting away inside of me. 

For the majority of my teens and twenties I had two goals for myself: get married and have a family.  I had lots of other dreams but I allowed my primary goals to eclipse these dreams because I thought that was what I was supposed to do.  And, I spent 12 years of my life failing miserably.  I didn't sit idly by.  I kept busy with school and a mission and working and more school.  And though I worked hard, my heart wasn't in it.  I knew what I wanted and I knew that I didn't have it.  And I had no idea how to go about getting what I wanted - still don't obviously.  And in spite of all this confusion and turmoil, I did some really awesome things and accomplished some incredibly grueling tasks.  

I think that the real mistake of my twenties, was limiting myself to one set of goals.  And because I couldn't get what I wanted, I sort of wandered around aimlessly hoping that I'd find what I needed along the way.  

For my thirties I am determined not to make the same mistake.  For my thirties, I'm setting lots of goals.  I'm going after my dreams.  When I had my epiphany last year, I made a list of 30 things to do in my thirties.  Sadly, I lost the list but I remember a lot of the things on it and have already accomplished a few of them (e.g. visit Machu Pichu, learn to spin, start a business, plant a garden, get a cat, learn to sail, see a whale, drive across the country and sing karaoke).  And amongst the silly and the ambitious are my primary goals of getting married and starting a family.  Maybe I'll accomplish all 30 and maybe I won't, but I'm going for it.  

distinguishing needs from wants

I used to go to this exercise class called something like, core strength, but could have easily been called something like, unexplainable pain. The instructor was adorable and surprisingly funny - which is probably why I kept going back.  She'd have us doing all sorts of bizarre things with exercise balls and broom sticks that hurt like the dickens.  And just when you thought you might pass out from pain, she'd say: today we are going to learn about distinguishing needs from wants.  She'd explain us that there was no shame in stopping if you really needed to, but that if we only wanted to stop, keep going.  

I think that I really did learned something about needs and wants in that class - in a different way than I'd ever thought about them before.  

Everyday, I make decisions, as I assume many other do, based on habit and impulse and necessity.  Just yesterday, I bought a new pair of shoes because I had decided a few weeks ago that I needed a new pair of black heels.  So when I found a cute pair at a reasonable price, and they fit comfortably, I pulled out my credit card and carried them home.  I'm still not sure if I really needed them but I'm sure that I'll use them.  

Today, I pulled out my credit card again for a much bigger and less exciting purchase: tires.  I was on my to the grocery store yesterday when I realized that I had a flat.  Luckily, I was close to home and able to pull into my driveway and assess the situation from home.  I tried to change it myself but gave up when I couldn't get the hubcap off.  So, I called (technically, I instant messaged) a friend who kindly came to my aide.  This morning I took my car to the neighborhood tire store, where an adorable salesman with dreamy eyelashes talked me into buying 2 new tires.  Did I need the new tires?  Maybe, I don't know.  Maybe it could have been patched, but in the hopes that my decision is less likely to leave me stranded in a bad neighborhood, I decided to pull out my plastic and invest in some new tires.

So back to needs and wants, there are so many things that I want right now and a few things that I actually sort of need.  And I am generally pretty good at depriving myself of my wants, unless, we're talking about chocolate - which I probably miscategorize as a need a little too often.  But sometimes, I wonder if I am too frugal and deprive myself of truly good things because, I'm unwilling to take a risk.  And maybe if I stretched myself a little further and didn't give up so easily, I might find that there is more to life than scrutinizing shoe purchases.          

On that note, I think that maybe I'll go finish my DC bar application... 

love and celibacy

I've been thinking about love - inescapable and elusive.  One of my favorite movies lines goes something like: there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time.  (10 points to the first person to name the movie.)  And isn't that the case?  I don't claim to know anything about romantic love, I'm not even sure that I know what it is.  Notwithstanding all the Jane Austin movies I know by heart, I don't know that I even believe in that sort of love, the sort that turns your world upside down, the sort that lasts forever.  

But, despite my general confusion about coupling, I think I know something about love.  I have loved, I love, I have felt loved and I have witnessed love.

On the other hand, I do know celibacy.  Yep, I said it.  I am celibate.  And from my own experience, I can say that it is highly underrated.  Celibacy is elegantly simple.  And while there are many things that I may want, I don't need someone to share my bed and I have managed quite well at taking care of myself.  I am no island - I have been incredibly blessed by the love and support of friends and family, and that is all I need.  At the end of the day, I don't come home to a husband, or boyfriend, or even a cat.  But before I go to sleep, I kneel beside my bed and check in with my Father in Heaven.  And it is in those moments that I know that I am home. 

All's well that ends well

Day 2 of fall and I'm getting the distinct impression that it is fact getting hotter and not cooler here in Virginia.  I know I've migrated significantly southward but I sort of thought that I'd still be in the Northern hemisphere, where, you know, we all are supposed to be getting ready for winter.  So yes, it's hot here and it's made me a tidge cranky.

But things aren't all bad here.  Earlier in this week I was fortunate enough to join my friend Kellee, who just happened to have an extra ticket, to see the Shakespeare Theatre Company's, All's Well That Ends Well (AWTEW).  I'm pretty sure, that she told me we were going to see Much Ado About Nothing, one of my all time favorites (right up there with King Lear and A Mid-Summer Night's Dream).  So I was a little confused when on our way to the theater I kept seeing posters for AWTEW.  However, I was not disappointed with the performance.  It was really well done.  And not all that familiar with AWTEW, I quite enthralled trying to figure out how it was all going to work out.  Though I think the audience was in the general opinion of, "What exactly does Helena see in this dude Bertram?"   

The theme of the play is, as you might be able to guess, is: all's well that ends well.  And it has lead me to wonder... is that really true? In the end, is all that matters is the results? Does process only serve the end?  At the end of the day (or maybe I should say, play), I don't know whether to happy for Helena that she successfully tricked her beloved into having her or appalled by self-serving manipulation of the jerk that she allowed herself to fall in love with.  

Alas, tis but a silly story.  And all this typing has made me seriously thirsty - gonna go get me a super-big gulp before I pass out from exhaustion.